*Updated Below*

This will be my last Percy, et al loses post as the rules of the contest have changed.  Starting with next week's contest all entries will be posted online and the winner selected by vote of the readers.  Sounds like a good idea, right?  Well, not really.  The only way to vote is via snail mail, computer voting technology apparently being too complicated for my local paper.

Also, earlier this week I reported that each contestant would be limited to one entry.  I had, in fact, received an e-mail from the News & Record telling me that I had to choose one of my three entries as my official entry for this week's contest.  This led to my premature publication of my picks this week.  The editor of the paper, John Robinson, even left a comment here confirming that each entrant could henceforth submit only one entry.

It turns out I was sabotaged.  After I published my post, I received an e-mail from the News & Record that said "Nevermind," and, as you can see from next week's contest, there is no limit on the number of entries a contestant can submit.  Why would the N&R do this to me?  Simple, they're trying to undermine my credibility.  They've succeeded only in angering me.

After the cartoon, you'll find my e-mail submitting my entries, as well as the actual winners and David's and Fec's losers.


Tim Rickard, News & Record

Percy's E-mail:

To whom it may concern and/or Mr. Rickard: 

My entries for this week and my notes to help you understand them are below:

1.  "Whoa!  I haven't seen a horse take out a queen like that since the death of Catherine the Great."

2.  "I said, 'happy-headed horse.'  Sheesh, you black pieces are touchy."

3.  "Watch out, Your Highness, the split-headed bishop is ogling your ______."

Pick funniest:
dirty crumpie
nappy canoe
gutted hamster
otter's pocket
sweaty burrito

Notes:

1.  It's a well-known myth that Catherine the Great died having sex with a horse.  I'm referring to each of the knight chess piece and mythological killer of Catherine as a "horse" here.  This is the funniest entry you will receive all week.  It's sufficiently clean to be printed in the paper.  I've copied John Robinson on this e-mail to have him approve in advance.

2.  Don Imus referred to the Rutger's women's basketball squad as "nappy-headed hos" last week

3.  "Split-headed bishop" is a euphemism for penis.  The selections for filling in the blank are euphemisms for "flesh tuxedo."  I understand that you can't possibly select this entry.

UPDATE:  The print edition of the paper makes clear that my Catherine the Great entry didn't meet the paper's decency standards.  The judge (Rickard?) wrote: "On the other hand, there was one scandalous reference to Catherine the Great.  So, the week wasn't a total loss for me."

Actual Winner:

"Don't tell me my tour of duty has been extended again."
- Max Harless, High Point

Honorable mentions:

"Let's hope this is the last game of strip chess we ever have to play."
- MJ Rebeck, Browns Summit

"Look! Bill came out of the closet when he reached the last row!"
- BL Powers

"This whole black versus white thing has got to stop."
- Ryan Carney

David Boyd's Losing Entries:

1.  "Better a clitoris than a circumcised penis, Bishop."

2.  "You sure you didn’t violate N&R policy by only drawing the white pieces, Rickard?"

3.  Blue collar entry:  "It's chess.  Not chest."

Fecund Stench's Losing Entries:

1.  "Put those checkers away."

2.  "Got any pie?"

3.  "Would ya take my advice, just this once?"